Words Do No Justice

Please forgive me for my distance,
The pain is evident in my existence.
Please forgive me for my distance,
Shame is manifest in my resistance
To your love.

I had such a horrible weekend, I don't even know where to start. I guess friday would be good.

Friday I woke up and made my walk down the hallway as usual, when I tipped over and fell on my face. I lifted my head to the worst dizzy spell I've experienced thus far in my life. I honestly could not walk. I hugged the wall and made it back to my bed, where I began making phonecalls to work. I couldn't find anyone to cover my shift but I wasn't going either way so it didn't matter. I was absolutely tied to my bed. Everyone says "take an Advil", too bad I have allergies to something in it. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I wish doctors knew. It's the fact that they don't that upsets me the most. I'm some rare case that they can't figure out and that terrifies me. I spent this entire weekend afraid. Not just afraid of a possible medical condition, but of everything. I'm moving out soon, I'm not going back to school, I have no healthcare anymore, the person I was interested in seems to have lost interest and it's entirely because I can't open up anymore. I'm beginning to hate my job and how my company will try any sneaky thing they can to screw us over. I'm beginning to be angry with myself for not being completely put together all the time anymore. I just have no drive to be anything anymore; I've been floating. I need to be inspired by something or someone. I'm so tired of being mediocre but I have no idea where to start improving. I don't talk to anyone anymore unless they talk to me really. I've become so introverted as of late, I don't even want to go out anymore. I've been forcing myself because I know it's what I need but it just doesn't feel like it helps. I've needed a good hug and some comforting words so badly lately. I just need someone to tell me I'm doing the right things and that i'm doing the best that I can; that I'm not fucking myself over and that I'm worth something. I spent my entire life trying to make my parents proud of me and the only thing I ever hear from them is that I'm not doing good enough or that I'm not doing what they expected out of me. I have become so dependent on happiness in others that I have no idea if I'm happy. Am I happy?

Well, I failed at blogging once a week, awesome. Nicole and I are on a break right now. I haven't talked to her in a while so I don't know what's up, but I'm going to give her her space. She'll come around when she's ready, even if neither of us know when that is.

I still haven't gone on a date with that boy, but we talk almost daily. He's adorable, I have a bit of a crush, I'm not going to lie.

I'm moving out in June, I'm nervous and excited. There are so many things I have to prepare. I need to organize all my belongings, I need to get every account associated with me set out and written in my name so I have sole access to it, I need boxes; lots of them, I need money, I need furniture, I need experience.

I'm re-certifying my WSI so I can teach swimming again, I don't know what I'll do with the studio. I might keep it, I might ditch it altogether. The pool will pay me twice as much as the studio does, but having that "double" income would be good. I need to put insurance on my car, unless I live near some damn good transit lines, which I'll have to learn. I haven't got a place picked out yet, but I'm working on it. I've already come across a number of scams, but I think I've found a few legit places that I'm being set up to view. Why does everything have to cost so much money? Fuck.

I'm bored of the studio to be honest. It was nice at first when I was learning and everything, but the rest of the work is so mundane and redundant. I find myself shooting the same poses every session. It's all the same, there's nothing different. I can't develop my more creative side this way at all.

Something interesting came up at work this week. I was practicing a silhouette shot with Larissa and she said something that struck me, and it was totally irrelevant to what I was focusing on. What she said could be applied to really anything and I think I caught a glimpse of exactly how she thinks. "There's nothing saying that the backdrop has to be here, in this specific place". That really made me think, and what she said was true. All we're told is to look at the tracking light, and have the subject there for optimum lighting to illuminate the face for a good exposure and clarity. What if we want a different lighting effect? Since we can't move the light, move the subject. I don't know why nobody ever thought of that before and it's an interesting way to think.

I'm peeved with work as well. Since Christmas, we've slowed down a lot, and so we've been able to take our time in the camera rooms. Now, I know me and I know me pretty well (or so I like to think). I'm a good sales person, I know how to say things and push someone along one direction. I know my prices inside and out, and I know how to manipulate the way I promote things depending on my sale goal. If I'm looking to sell a lot, I'm not going to work bottom up, I'm going top down. I don't show them the cheaper options unless they ask. It works. It's a damn shame I don't make commission because I make the company a decent amount of money. I can go through an entire sale in 10 minutes or less, even with picky and/or seasoned customers. I like to take my time in the camera room and get as many shots as I can. When I have a session, all I'm concerned about is getting the shots. I don't care if the customer has to come back to order because there's no more time left in the appointment. I know they're going to come back feeling good about the session and they'll spend more money because I got a lot of shots and good ones at that. Now suddenly I'm being rushed, my superiors coming into the room saying "Greg hurry up it's been 20 minutes". That makes me seem so unprofessional, like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm still in that camera room because I haven't gotten the shots I need, don't rush me. I can only work as fast as the children (or adults) I'm dealing with. I'm going to have a nice chat with my manager about this issue, and if she doesn't at least try to compromise with me, I'm moving to the southgate location where I know I'll have that kind of support. I'm a good photographer when I'm focused, my boss knows it. If she doesn't like how I conduct my business, I have others who do and I will go to them. Enough said.

I'm going to try and blog once a week now.

I went to the gay bar for the first time, and I love it. I've been once since. It's nice to go to a bar and not have to worry about looking at someone the wrong way, saying the wrong thing, worrying about getting killed. The atmosphere is relaxing and exciting at the same time, you just feel comfortable. You don't have creepy guys looking at the girls (or boys), you just have people who want to dance and have fun, and that's the only reason they're there. One thing that bothers me is the straight guys who dance with you, and don't tell you they're straight until after you've hit on them for a while. Jerks hahaha.

I've been talking to this guy for a few days now, he's really cute:


He's a paramedic, but he lives out in Rimbey. He works 4 days on and 4 days off; he comes to the city on his days off, and he plans on going to the U of A soon for some course. There's been some definite good signs and we might start seeing each other. We're so alike by the sounds of it. I'm stoked to see where this goes.

I feel like I'm biting off way more than I can chew lately. I have to get a business license soon so I can claim income tax from my clients. I don't think I'm ready for that, I'm not even 19 yet. I have the next few years of my life planned out, and that scares the shit out of me. I am going to work, work, and work some more. I'm going to become an absolute work-a-holic. I am going to do amazing at work, and I am going to have a shit-ton of clients of my own. I've been reflecting on a set price-list of products for my business. Here's a run down of what I have so far:

Scheduling Fee: $10 (Only refundable in the event of the photographer's cancellation)
Cancellation/Rescheduling Fee: $30
Photography Fee: $100 + $50 for every hour after the first (This includes editing -Thanks Larissa)
CD: $5
Partial Copyright Ownership (Terms of which are negotiable, pricing is not): $100
Full Copyright Ownership: $1000
Prints: $15 each (8x10 or smaller)

I think that's all pretty reasonable, and I have to be able to make a profit somehow if all that is going to be taxed. So for 50 images with no retouching and reserved copyright licensing on a CD it would cost $165. That's pretty cheap. Why do I have a cancellation fee? I have to take time off work from my actual job to get whatever my client wants done, I have to arrange for my own transportation, my equipment, and this is my time and skills we're talking about. I am providing a service that one cannot provide for themselves (Hence why they're hiring me) and what I have learned and spent time developing is not going to be wasted. Every contract I write also says that if for any reason I (the photographer) must cancel, I will make any arrangement I can to find another photographer to take my place, or refund any money (the scheduling deposit). I have to make a living somehow.

I find myself micromanaging myself so much lately. I have my day planned out completely before I leave the house. I have my morning routine timed with a 5 minute flexibility. I think I'm going crazy, I'm becoming such a control freak. I am causing myself so much unneeded stress by doing it too. I'm becoming a workaholic, I'm becoming greedy, and I've lost all my focus. I have forgotten everything I've trained myself to do. I hadn't really taken time for myself in a long time until this past weekend. I finally treated myself to completely letting go and forgetting all consequence. Now I'm addicted to that feeling like morphine. I am craving to go back to Play, be with "my people". I haven't felt that comfortable with myself in months and I've missed it. I liked being able to look at a guy knowing that I wouldn't get shitkicked. I liked not having to worry about how I looked or how I acted or who I was with or how I danced or anything. The atmosphere of that place just assures me that I'm okay just the way I am. Since I've been single I can't help but remember Nicole's words about me being so devastated, so destroyed. I don't see myself as that anymore, I see myself as renovated. I was someone old and I'm rebuilding myself into someone better.

I visited O'leary today and saw people I haven't seen in close to a year. I miss being in school, I miss seeing friends everyday, I miss having a reason to be up early. I talked a bit with my old English teacher, and it was as if she had been frozen in time. She hasn't changed a bit but I felt so much older, I felt so much more knowledgeable than what I was sitting in her class. I can't believe it's almost been a year and a half since I've been out of school.

I'm growing older too quickly. I'm not ready for this, I'm not even 19.

Make a list of all the things you take for granted.


My warm bed
Internet
Clean water
My parents
Piano
My friends
Cell phone
Shopping centers
Grocery stores
Being able to go to any store and buy anything in the world that I want


There are so many things that came to mind that I couldn't possibly make a list of everything.
I hate our greedy society.

Bones don't feel so strip me down to my skeleton and throw my skin to the dogs. Use the sinew from my muscles to mend the tear in my still-beating heart, and the air from my lungs to blow the tears from my still-watering eyes. This is the cycle of regeneration and I'm slowly filling in. I'm filling in the cracks of my foundations and constructing the new me within and around them. I'll be fresh and well-oiled, spry and flexible. Strip me to my skeleton so I can grow once more.

Yesterday was very much needed and I loved every second of it.

I spent the entire day with Nicole, we went shopping. I ended up spending around $300 but it was all well worth every cent. Nothing is more satisfying than purchasing material goods to make you feel better about yourself. This new underwear is also the most comfortable garment I have ever worn! I love seeing Nicole when she comes home. I miss her so much. I'm glad she came this weekend. I got my Christmas gift from her and I absolutely love it! It's a stone plate sort-of with the Mayan calendar going around it. I still have to find out which figure represents the month I was born in. It's so cool, it makes my gift seem so insignificant. I have yet to give it to her, but I think it's best if we do it at a restaurant. It's be so much cuter that way.

I went to the Rush game with Ashley that evening, and met her new boyfriend. They are so goddamn cute together! I'm so happy for them! I don't think I've ever seen Ashley so giddy and cutesy. She's got my approval haha. Her and I had a good talk at the LRT station as well. I needed to hear all the things she said, as she needed to hear what I said. We're the reality checks in each other's lives. I hope her and Matt stay together for a very long and happy time.

I'm feeling so much better about myself now, and I can feel my confidence being restored. I can look myself in the eye when I look in the mirror again, I feel good about my body again, and I feel independent again. I'm just that much closer to being "okay" again, and it feels great. I haven't stopped smiling all day. I don't need any gratification from anyone anymore. I'm amazing and I know it. I'm better than what I was, because I've grown.

My romantic feelings are mixed right now, but I'm not going to get into it because I still have to figure out what's real and what's seeking fruition.

This song inspires me, tears at my heartstrings, and soothes me. An incredible arrangement I'm currently learning. It will take me months to perfect, but damn it's too good not to try.

Family day was hell for me. I went in to work, took in my first session, fully expecting my coworker to show up on time to take the next session. Well, She didn't show up, at all. I was alone all day, with appointments booked every half hour, which is perfectly manageable for two people. Each session takes about 45 mins, so we would simply alternate. I wish things were that simple that day. I went into overdrive, shot the bare minimum of 6 poses, took 10 minutes a shoot, and sat people down to select the photos they wanted while I took in the next session. As my previous session selected their photos, I'd shoot the next one, sit them down, help the first session, help the second, then take in the next session. I have never been so exhausted after work in my life, but at least I earned my time and a half. The photos I took that day, despite being rushed, were extremely good. I've had 4 calls already from people from that day requesting me again. I'm happy for that. Brittny showed up to my surprise, I haven't seen her since around Christmas time! We chatted for a while, then decided we're going out. We picked up Amanda, went to Winston's, and got kicked out within 20 minutes. That has to be a record because it's impossible to get kicked out of there. After much driving around we ended up at the acreage watching movies. Of course I was the only one awake by the end of it all. This weekend turned out to be a very good one, and very much needed. I needed the distraction.

I have my first private client as well. I have spent the entire week researching copyright laws, appropriate pricing, everything I can think of that would relate to this commission (That's what you call it, when you have a private client you have a "commission"). The guy offered to hire me in the future as well if I impress him. I'm so nervous, more so than I would be for a date because this is my career we're talking about here! Needless to say, I'm also extremely excited.

I have to stop spending money needlessly.

I've bought into a new skincare line, H2O+. It's been almost a week, and I love these products. They make my skin feel so nice, and my acne is clearing up slowly. I don't think I'll need more clindoxyl gel from the doctor for a while. We'll see how this goes, but so far the money spent has been worth it and now I must incorporate these things into my budget. I can't keep spending money on eating out.

I think I'm okay being just me again. I don't feel so attached to him anymore, although I do miss him a lot. I still love him, and it kills me, but I'm seeing through it. I just hope I didn't fuck everything up with spiteful things I've said. I don't know if I should talk to him about it or leave it in the past and keep moving.

I've had Pink's newest album on repeat for two weeks now, it's so good. She has one song "Sober" that perfectly details why I don't like drinking anymore. Everyone has a vice; a drink, a smoke, a relationship, a crackpipe that they're holding on to and I just want to feel good without it. I want to feel good being just me.

I forgot how delicious kiwi's were until my mother came home with a few and I devoured them.

It sounds like Nicole is having a really good time in Mexico and I'm jealous of her. I find it funny how she burned herself though haha, it's about damn time :P
God I miss her.

When I was younger and swam much more often than I wish I do now, I used to swim under the water and see how far I could go before I needed to come up for air. I remember almost passing out one time, I used to push myself so hard. I remember completing an entire length in a single breath, and smiling for the remainder of the day.

I'm holding my breath once more, gasping every few moments. It gets easier every time and I last always longer. In time I will make that entire length, and then I'll be okay.

In the beginning you said I was different, in the end it turns out you were the same.



The more I think about it, the more I wonder what went wrong.

Okay, so Nicole has challenged me to make a list of things I love that start with the letter "N". Here it goes:

1. Nicole.






She is the most important person ever to come into my life. I am so glad we met, so glad we fight, so glad that we are so completely different. I would never trade her for another human on this Earth. I love her so much. Her and I need way more pictures together, holy fuck. Those are the only ones I have that I can find.


2. Nature. I loved having a beach I could run to, sand stretching for miles along my private beach. I miss each surf breaking on my toes as I sat there soaking in the sun and swaying in the breeze. I loved having acres of forest behind the house to walk through. Every day a new path was discovered. I love fresh air. I love clear thoughts that come when you're alone and surrounded by trees. Sitting on a tree stump just enjoying the sounds of animals going about their lives.


3. Night. I had to cheat a little to get this one, thanks Nicole (SEE WHAT I MEAN (ref. above)). I used to have insomnia, and I used to get so many things done during those sleepless nights. I love when the sun sets. I love the stars. My grandparents used to take me camping, and I would lay on the beach at night and point out every constellation I could name. I'd be damned if I could remember them all now. I love how calm everything is at night.

4. Notes. Whether they be reminders to get milk, post-its saying "I love you, have a good day", whatever. I love making notes, I love getting notes. My blackberry is filled with notes on the memopad with phone numbers of employers, apartments for rent, appointments, things I need to buy, things I need to find out for work. I have to have notes to function. I would lose track of everything if I didn't have a little reminder. The other day I erased a note I left myself on my mirror saying "Buy toothpaste&whitestrips". I don't think about those things while I'm out unless I see it before I go.

5. Novels. I can't exactly say only novels though, as I love reading anything and everything. Books have been a staple in my life, and I will never not read. I've been reading since the ripe age of three, and I have never been so thankful for learning such a skill so early in my life. Through reading I have taught myself everything I know. I remember being told in grade four that I read at a grade eleven level, I was so proud of myself. I owe all my knowledge to books.

6. Nibs. Yeah, that candy licorice shit. I love those things. They are so fucking tasty.

7. Necks. This is such a weird one to post, I feel mental for even saying this but whatever, I'll get over it. I love necks. I like guys with thicker, strong looking necks, I like being kissed on my neck, I just love them. Shut up.

8. Nearness. I love being close to people I care about physically. I like sitting beside them, I like laying beside them. I don't like not being near someone I care about when they're present.

9. Nebulae. They're so beautiful to look at. All those gases and matter just floating around making such amazing images, spanning god knows how much distance. It's incredible.

10. New beginnings. Okay, technically that's two words, but cut me some slack. This took me a fucking hour to do. I love having a clean slate. I like formatting computers and having nothing but a BIOS to play with. I like new languages, I like new cultures. I like travelling to places where nobody knows me and I can engineer myself a persona. Forgiveness and starting fresh, starting with a new perspective.

That's my list. Post yours.

Today I noticed how empathic I am. I feed off the energy others send out. I can't see people cry, or I start to cry. It doesn't matter if it's staged in a movie, or real at a funeral. I can't do it. If people are laughing, I'm laughing. It's not typical for me to be the odd one in a bad mood when surrounded by people having a good time.


Hearing Nicole's voice was such a snap back to reality. I needed to hear her and I didn't even realize it until she called.

I've been lamenting all weekend, about my dog, Leonard, my friends, high school, everything. I discovered that since my breakup, my confidence in myself has been completely dashed. I'm working on getting that back. Looking back from today and last week, I've improved. I can only go up from here and I'm excited. I'm not letting him control me anymore. It's time to move on with my life because he's not going to wait around for me at all. If we end up back together, then we end up back together, which would be nice. That's not a guarantee though. No more wasting my life thinking about what was and what could've been. This is what it was, this is what it is, who knows how it will be. I'll know when those times come.

I have no music I want to listen to lately. I haven't found anything new, so I've reverted to a childhood favourite to bide me time. Everyone knows I adore Annie Lenox. My playlist has consisted of Mylene Farmer, and the Eurythmics.




This is why I love Nicole; she knows me better than anyone on the planet:

"Nicole

haha

I like how I know you hold down the shift button instead of using caps lock"

"Cancer: You've been saying you'd do something for ages, but today you'll take a step toward doing it. . "

That is today's horoscope for me. I read it after I booked a doctor's appointment. I've been saying I was going to book one for two months now.

Today was a good day, I have to admit, but I have just one question: Why do I feel like shit?

I can't blog lately. I don't have anything to say. I wake up in the morning to go to work, I come home and I go to bed. I am doing nothing with my life, absolutely nothing. Am I really so driven by making money instead of loosening up and having a good time? Am I afraid of being hurt again? I haven't stopped hurting yet, so where lies the problem?

I miss him every day, and I wonder if he's missing me. I'll never know because I can't bring myself to ask. I don't think I want to know either.

I miss the feeling of being wanted, of making another person happy. I miss being able to tell someone I love them and mean it with every fibre of my being.

I hate how hung up I am on him still. I hate how my emotions are controlling me. Since when do I have a heart? Ask anyone last year and they'd say I'm a cold, disconnect prick. When did that change? Is it for the better? I hope so.

I've been so exhausted lately. I've been covering double shifts at work, and I'm going to continue for another week. I don't have a choice. At least I'll rake in a nice pay cheque but that means I have to kiss my tiny social life goodbye.

I gave my mother a hug today for the first time in a very long time. It was so strange. It wasn't uncomfortable, it's just been so long. I may not talk to her much, and when I do I might not be as nice as I could be, but have no doubt. I love my mother more than anyone else in the world and I would be completely ruined if anything ever happened to her. I miss her.

I think tomorrow I'm going to stop by O'Leary and say hello to a few of my old teachers. I haven't seen them in a year.

I've been reading my horoscope daily again. It frightens me how accurate they seem to be sometimes. As general as they are, they always seem to get it right.

Fiona Apple's voice is like a rich dark chocolate that I cannot stop eating.

I'm rambling now. I have no more words to say.

I was supposed to meet a friend today and spend the day with her. I woke up in a bad mood, and it hasn't gone away. I know I'm going to be a jerk today, and I'm not going to be any fun. I cancelled our plans, and I'm going to spend the day making different designs for my business cards. I want them to look perfect. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I'll be glad when I'm finished.

I haven't blogged in a few days. Not a lot has happened though, really.

Monday I had off work, so I stopped in at work to pick up my pay cheque, which hadn't arrived yet. Fucking great. I figured it would arrive the next day and went to the bank to pull some cash anyway. I hate the service fees my bank charges, they really should get some ATMs. I went to see Leonard at Jaisel and I tried on several pairs of jeans. I wanted to look good in them so I was pretty picky, which frustrated Leonard; I could tell. Things weren't as bad as I thought they'd be seeing him this time. I think emotionally I've gotten over him, but psychologically I'm still attached. At least that's progress. I left Jaisel to wait for the bus, but as I stood there, I said to myself, "No, I'm not leaving him this time with just a 'Take care'". I walked back and asked him for a hug. I'm glad he gave me one, even though it didn't feel the same. It seemed forced on his part. I don't know if we're going to be friends for a while yet. I think we both need more time apart. He just doesn't seem interested in talking to me at all lately. It's like he's pushing me out of his life. I'll get over it, just like I do everything else. I saw Ashley that evening, god I missed her so much. Seeing her again was so refreshing. I missed her laugh the most. I saw Devon too that night. It was the first time I've seen him in 3 years. It was so strange, we've both changed so much but nothing was different at all. I'm glad him and I are on good terms, I don't know where I'd be without him to be honest. Monday was a very good day.

I am poor. I barely have enough money to pay rent and my phone bill. I'm going to have literally $12 to my name until next payday.

I don't think I'm going to make it to Nicole's party at the Ranch. I have to be at work the next morning for 8:00am, and I have to be there until 5:00pm. It's a long shift and I haven't been sleeping much as it is. I don't think I can afford to lose even more sleep from being at the bar. Not to mention I don't drink anymore, and I only dance when I'm drunk. I feel like shit for probably not going because it's going to be the last opportunity for me to see Nicole until she gets back from Mexico and comes to the city. I hate not having her here anymore. It's actually so hard existing without my best friend. I need her to call me and say "get ready i'll be there in 5", I need her to tell me to shut the fuck up, I need her to text me about her problems. I need her, period. I have other reasons for not wanting to go to the Ranch, but they're better left unsaid at this point.

I saw some unsettling photos tonight. I'm not going to mention names or anything, but I am glad I don't have to put up with that anymore. Even still, I'm bothered by it. What's past is past and I'm not going to dwell on it. I have to stay true to my values though, and something as disgusting as that has to stay out of my life. I don't want to be involved with something so immature, so pathetic. This sort of thing is going on my list of "Things that must be addressed before any emotional attachment". I really hope you change. Not for me, but for you and your image. You're so much better than that garbage.

I haven't heard back from that potential job with the private studio. I'm not going to bother trying again. Shit happens, oh well. I'll take the next opportunity that arises.

I've been thinking of re-certifying myself as a swimming instructor. It was a decent job with great pay, and I wouldn't have to worry about making rent and phone every month. I don't know. I need time to think about it.

Six Word Memoirs:

Summarize your life up to this point in a 6 word phrase. Here's mine:
I am scared I will fail