Words Do No Justice

I had such a horrible weekend, I don't even know where to start. I guess friday would be good.

Friday I woke up and made my walk down the hallway as usual, when I tipped over and fell on my face. I lifted my head to the worst dizzy spell I've experienced thus far in my life. I honestly could not walk. I hugged the wall and made it back to my bed, where I began making phonecalls to work. I couldn't find anyone to cover my shift but I wasn't going either way so it didn't matter. I was absolutely tied to my bed. Everyone says "take an Advil", too bad I have allergies to something in it. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I wish doctors knew. It's the fact that they don't that upsets me the most. I'm some rare case that they can't figure out and that terrifies me. I spent this entire weekend afraid. Not just afraid of a possible medical condition, but of everything. I'm moving out soon, I'm not going back to school, I have no healthcare anymore, the person I was interested in seems to have lost interest and it's entirely because I can't open up anymore. I'm beginning to hate my job and how my company will try any sneaky thing they can to screw us over. I'm beginning to be angry with myself for not being completely put together all the time anymore. I just have no drive to be anything anymore; I've been floating. I need to be inspired by something or someone. I'm so tired of being mediocre but I have no idea where to start improving. I don't talk to anyone anymore unless they talk to me really. I've become so introverted as of late, I don't even want to go out anymore. I've been forcing myself because I know it's what I need but it just doesn't feel like it helps. I've needed a good hug and some comforting words so badly lately. I just need someone to tell me I'm doing the right things and that i'm doing the best that I can; that I'm not fucking myself over and that I'm worth something. I spent my entire life trying to make my parents proud of me and the only thing I ever hear from them is that I'm not doing good enough or that I'm not doing what they expected out of me. I have become so dependent on happiness in others that I have no idea if I'm happy. Am I happy?

Well, I failed at blogging once a week, awesome. Nicole and I are on a break right now. I haven't talked to her in a while so I don't know what's up, but I'm going to give her her space. She'll come around when she's ready, even if neither of us know when that is.

I still haven't gone on a date with that boy, but we talk almost daily. He's adorable, I have a bit of a crush, I'm not going to lie.

I'm moving out in June, I'm nervous and excited. There are so many things I have to prepare. I need to organize all my belongings, I need to get every account associated with me set out and written in my name so I have sole access to it, I need boxes; lots of them, I need money, I need furniture, I need experience.

I'm re-certifying my WSI so I can teach swimming again, I don't know what I'll do with the studio. I might keep it, I might ditch it altogether. The pool will pay me twice as much as the studio does, but having that "double" income would be good. I need to put insurance on my car, unless I live near some damn good transit lines, which I'll have to learn. I haven't got a place picked out yet, but I'm working on it. I've already come across a number of scams, but I think I've found a few legit places that I'm being set up to view. Why does everything have to cost so much money? Fuck.

I'm bored of the studio to be honest. It was nice at first when I was learning and everything, but the rest of the work is so mundane and redundant. I find myself shooting the same poses every session. It's all the same, there's nothing different. I can't develop my more creative side this way at all.

Something interesting came up at work this week. I was practicing a silhouette shot with Larissa and she said something that struck me, and it was totally irrelevant to what I was focusing on. What she said could be applied to really anything and I think I caught a glimpse of exactly how she thinks. "There's nothing saying that the backdrop has to be here, in this specific place". That really made me think, and what she said was true. All we're told is to look at the tracking light, and have the subject there for optimum lighting to illuminate the face for a good exposure and clarity. What if we want a different lighting effect? Since we can't move the light, move the subject. I don't know why nobody ever thought of that before and it's an interesting way to think.

I'm peeved with work as well. Since Christmas, we've slowed down a lot, and so we've been able to take our time in the camera rooms. Now, I know me and I know me pretty well (or so I like to think). I'm a good sales person, I know how to say things and push someone along one direction. I know my prices inside and out, and I know how to manipulate the way I promote things depending on my sale goal. If I'm looking to sell a lot, I'm not going to work bottom up, I'm going top down. I don't show them the cheaper options unless they ask. It works. It's a damn shame I don't make commission because I make the company a decent amount of money. I can go through an entire sale in 10 minutes or less, even with picky and/or seasoned customers. I like to take my time in the camera room and get as many shots as I can. When I have a session, all I'm concerned about is getting the shots. I don't care if the customer has to come back to order because there's no more time left in the appointment. I know they're going to come back feeling good about the session and they'll spend more money because I got a lot of shots and good ones at that. Now suddenly I'm being rushed, my superiors coming into the room saying "Greg hurry up it's been 20 minutes". That makes me seem so unprofessional, like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm still in that camera room because I haven't gotten the shots I need, don't rush me. I can only work as fast as the children (or adults) I'm dealing with. I'm going to have a nice chat with my manager about this issue, and if she doesn't at least try to compromise with me, I'm moving to the southgate location where I know I'll have that kind of support. I'm a good photographer when I'm focused, my boss knows it. If she doesn't like how I conduct my business, I have others who do and I will go to them. Enough said.

I'm going to try and blog once a week now.

I went to the gay bar for the first time, and I love it. I've been once since. It's nice to go to a bar and not have to worry about looking at someone the wrong way, saying the wrong thing, worrying about getting killed. The atmosphere is relaxing and exciting at the same time, you just feel comfortable. You don't have creepy guys looking at the girls (or boys), you just have people who want to dance and have fun, and that's the only reason they're there. One thing that bothers me is the straight guys who dance with you, and don't tell you they're straight until after you've hit on them for a while. Jerks hahaha.

I've been talking to this guy for a few days now, he's really cute:


He's a paramedic, but he lives out in Rimbey. He works 4 days on and 4 days off; he comes to the city on his days off, and he plans on going to the U of A soon for some course. There's been some definite good signs and we might start seeing each other. We're so alike by the sounds of it. I'm stoked to see where this goes.