Words Do No Justice

I don't know what's worse. The lies you told me, or that I found out first hand via pretending to be someone else. I can't believe you called me your boyfriend and that you said you "weren't looking for anyone else" because you were happy with me. When did all of that change? Why did all of that change? I'm no different than I was a month ago. I am the very same person. How could you say those things to me only to go behind my back and say the same things to another guy? I trusted you. I liked you- I liked you a damn lot, and I told you so the day before. You said "I'm not attached, hi, I'm Nick". Then I told you who I was. Then, I said goodbye because I knew you wouldn't and somebody had to. I'm broken again. You've made me put up my walls, and add a few layers to them. How can I ever trust anyone again after you? I can see incompatibility, I can see a fight, but out of the blue after you told me you'd try to make things work with your new promotion and being out of town a lot more? Who do you think you are? Why did you do this to me? I feel like I've been thrown out in the street without any clothes on, and you're the cold air around me slowly setting me into my hypothermic coma. You're 27 years old, and you can't tell me that you don't want to be in a relationship with me? How did you ever have a relationship for longer than a month? How? What is wrong with you? I have felt like throwing up for two days now because of the way you make me feel. You have no idea how much I liked you, how much I wanted to be with you, how much I liked visiting you after work and just looking at you and kissing you and laughing for no reason with you. You didn't even apologize, or make an attempt to right things after I caught you. You knew what you were doing. You don't care. You lied. I don't wish bad things on people but I hope somebody does to you what you did to me. I hope you come crawling back. I know you won't.


You never could.

This is my new photoblog. I don't know if I want to be writing anymore. I haven't sat down and blogged in a very long time.



http://twis-t.blogspot.com

It's 2:09am. I can't sleep. I am exhausted from working a 12 hour shift. Fuck my life.


I can't get him off my mind.


I miss having a life, something more to talk about than work. What happened to me?

I miss being in a meaningful relationship. I miss laying on a couch on top of someone that I trust and am comfortable with. I miss my friends. I miss being able to spend money on anything and everything instead of budgeting. I miss the ocean. I miss the sun. I miss the feeling being wanted. I miss when my only worry was "what should I wear today?". I miss being able to talk to my mother. I miss not knowing what love is.

I am going to stop pursuing Brent now. I don't think he has any actual interest in me. If something happens, it happens, but I'm not keeping my hopes up.

I haven't heard Tokio Hotel in just over a year. I relived all of high-school in my mind within the entire song. I've changed a lot.


I'm not sure I like all the changes.

I don't know what you meant by "That's a tough question". You either like me or you don't.

I guess I'll continue on the way I have been, and if something happens, it happens. I'm hopeful but not confident. I'm bad at this sort of thing.

I can't get you out of my head.




I want to get to know you more.



I want to have a chance with you.



I need to be more patient.



I need to be less jealous.



I'm making a list in my head of all the reasons I'd be good for you and then I got to thinking, why do I need you to be validated?



Maybe it's more of an admiration.



But I'd still like to try.







You haven't talked to me in weeks. I hope you're doing okay and I know you'll come around. I miss you and I need you in my life. I want my best friend back.

I'm going nowhere in my life.


I take pictures-



-that's not a career.

This weekend practically solidified the promotion I'm expecting after Christmas. I have been in the camera room all weekend, shooting back to back sessions in ten minutes each. For every single session I've gotten 10 poses. That's a pose a minute, and while that doesn't seem like a lot, it's getting mom, dad, sibling1 and sibling2 lined up, looking at the camera and smiling all at the same time. People don't understand how much effort and quick thinking goes into my job. During Christmas photographers at my studio are expected to get 6 poses in 15 minutes, take 3 minutes to edit, then take in the next session. I have my own editor (if you will), and after I'm done with one group I bring in the next. I (as an individual) shot 30 appointments out of 52 between 4 photographers.

To put that in perspective, if we divided the 52 appointments and assumed each photographer took a quarter during the day, we each would've shot 13 appointments. I shot 2.3x what I was supposed to, more than doubling my performance. Needless to say, I am completely exhausted and only survived thanks to shotgunning a Red-bull in the morning and maintaining my buzz through the back through copious amounts of coffee.

Driving my boss home, we talked about how retarded some of our temp staff is, and how the assistant probably isn't going to last long. Because of my fantastic performance, she's definitely fighting for me to get the promotions I've been asking for for months now. I'm responsible for selling approximately $2600 of the $4000 we made, which is pretty decent for a Sunday in an economic recession.


I'm in such a good mood tonight.

I did it.


I found myself.


I found me.