Words Do No Justice

Yesterday was very much needed and I loved every second of it.

I spent the entire day with Nicole, we went shopping. I ended up spending around $300 but it was all well worth every cent. Nothing is more satisfying than purchasing material goods to make you feel better about yourself. This new underwear is also the most comfortable garment I have ever worn! I love seeing Nicole when she comes home. I miss her so much. I'm glad she came this weekend. I got my Christmas gift from her and I absolutely love it! It's a stone plate sort-of with the Mayan calendar going around it. I still have to find out which figure represents the month I was born in. It's so cool, it makes my gift seem so insignificant. I have yet to give it to her, but I think it's best if we do it at a restaurant. It's be so much cuter that way.

I went to the Rush game with Ashley that evening, and met her new boyfriend. They are so goddamn cute together! I'm so happy for them! I don't think I've ever seen Ashley so giddy and cutesy. She's got my approval haha. Her and I had a good talk at the LRT station as well. I needed to hear all the things she said, as she needed to hear what I said. We're the reality checks in each other's lives. I hope her and Matt stay together for a very long and happy time.

I'm feeling so much better about myself now, and I can feel my confidence being restored. I can look myself in the eye when I look in the mirror again, I feel good about my body again, and I feel independent again. I'm just that much closer to being "okay" again, and it feels great. I haven't stopped smiling all day. I don't need any gratification from anyone anymore. I'm amazing and I know it. I'm better than what I was, because I've grown.

My romantic feelings are mixed right now, but I'm not going to get into it because I still have to figure out what's real and what's seeking fruition.

This song inspires me, tears at my heartstrings, and soothes me. An incredible arrangement I'm currently learning. It will take me months to perfect, but damn it's too good not to try.

Family day was hell for me. I went in to work, took in my first session, fully expecting my coworker to show up on time to take the next session. Well, She didn't show up, at all. I was alone all day, with appointments booked every half hour, which is perfectly manageable for two people. Each session takes about 45 mins, so we would simply alternate. I wish things were that simple that day. I went into overdrive, shot the bare minimum of 6 poses, took 10 minutes a shoot, and sat people down to select the photos they wanted while I took in the next session. As my previous session selected their photos, I'd shoot the next one, sit them down, help the first session, help the second, then take in the next session. I have never been so exhausted after work in my life, but at least I earned my time and a half. The photos I took that day, despite being rushed, were extremely good. I've had 4 calls already from people from that day requesting me again. I'm happy for that. Brittny showed up to my surprise, I haven't seen her since around Christmas time! We chatted for a while, then decided we're going out. We picked up Amanda, went to Winston's, and got kicked out within 20 minutes. That has to be a record because it's impossible to get kicked out of there. After much driving around we ended up at the acreage watching movies. Of course I was the only one awake by the end of it all. This weekend turned out to be a very good one, and very much needed. I needed the distraction.

I have my first private client as well. I have spent the entire week researching copyright laws, appropriate pricing, everything I can think of that would relate to this commission (That's what you call it, when you have a private client you have a "commission"). The guy offered to hire me in the future as well if I impress him. I'm so nervous, more so than I would be for a date because this is my career we're talking about here! Needless to say, I'm also extremely excited.

I have to stop spending money needlessly.

I've bought into a new skincare line, H2O+. It's been almost a week, and I love these products. They make my skin feel so nice, and my acne is clearing up slowly. I don't think I'll need more clindoxyl gel from the doctor for a while. We'll see how this goes, but so far the money spent has been worth it and now I must incorporate these things into my budget. I can't keep spending money on eating out.

I think I'm okay being just me again. I don't feel so attached to him anymore, although I do miss him a lot. I still love him, and it kills me, but I'm seeing through it. I just hope I didn't fuck everything up with spiteful things I've said. I don't know if I should talk to him about it or leave it in the past and keep moving.

I've had Pink's newest album on repeat for two weeks now, it's so good. She has one song "Sober" that perfectly details why I don't like drinking anymore. Everyone has a vice; a drink, a smoke, a relationship, a crackpipe that they're holding on to and I just want to feel good without it. I want to feel good being just me.

I forgot how delicious kiwi's were until my mother came home with a few and I devoured them.

It sounds like Nicole is having a really good time in Mexico and I'm jealous of her. I find it funny how she burned herself though haha, it's about damn time :P
God I miss her.

When I was younger and swam much more often than I wish I do now, I used to swim under the water and see how far I could go before I needed to come up for air. I remember almost passing out one time, I used to push myself so hard. I remember completing an entire length in a single breath, and smiling for the remainder of the day.

I'm holding my breath once more, gasping every few moments. It gets easier every time and I last always longer. In time I will make that entire length, and then I'll be okay.

In the beginning you said I was different, in the end it turns out you were the same.



The more I think about it, the more I wonder what went wrong.

Okay, so Nicole has challenged me to make a list of things I love that start with the letter "N". Here it goes:

1. Nicole.






She is the most important person ever to come into my life. I am so glad we met, so glad we fight, so glad that we are so completely different. I would never trade her for another human on this Earth. I love her so much. Her and I need way more pictures together, holy fuck. Those are the only ones I have that I can find.


2. Nature. I loved having a beach I could run to, sand stretching for miles along my private beach. I miss each surf breaking on my toes as I sat there soaking in the sun and swaying in the breeze. I loved having acres of forest behind the house to walk through. Every day a new path was discovered. I love fresh air. I love clear thoughts that come when you're alone and surrounded by trees. Sitting on a tree stump just enjoying the sounds of animals going about their lives.


3. Night. I had to cheat a little to get this one, thanks Nicole (SEE WHAT I MEAN (ref. above)). I used to have insomnia, and I used to get so many things done during those sleepless nights. I love when the sun sets. I love the stars. My grandparents used to take me camping, and I would lay on the beach at night and point out every constellation I could name. I'd be damned if I could remember them all now. I love how calm everything is at night.

4. Notes. Whether they be reminders to get milk, post-its saying "I love you, have a good day", whatever. I love making notes, I love getting notes. My blackberry is filled with notes on the memopad with phone numbers of employers, apartments for rent, appointments, things I need to buy, things I need to find out for work. I have to have notes to function. I would lose track of everything if I didn't have a little reminder. The other day I erased a note I left myself on my mirror saying "Buy toothpaste&whitestrips". I don't think about those things while I'm out unless I see it before I go.

5. Novels. I can't exactly say only novels though, as I love reading anything and everything. Books have been a staple in my life, and I will never not read. I've been reading since the ripe age of three, and I have never been so thankful for learning such a skill so early in my life. Through reading I have taught myself everything I know. I remember being told in grade four that I read at a grade eleven level, I was so proud of myself. I owe all my knowledge to books.

6. Nibs. Yeah, that candy licorice shit. I love those things. They are so fucking tasty.

7. Necks. This is such a weird one to post, I feel mental for even saying this but whatever, I'll get over it. I love necks. I like guys with thicker, strong looking necks, I like being kissed on my neck, I just love them. Shut up.

8. Nearness. I love being close to people I care about physically. I like sitting beside them, I like laying beside them. I don't like not being near someone I care about when they're present.

9. Nebulae. They're so beautiful to look at. All those gases and matter just floating around making such amazing images, spanning god knows how much distance. It's incredible.

10. New beginnings. Okay, technically that's two words, but cut me some slack. This took me a fucking hour to do. I love having a clean slate. I like formatting computers and having nothing but a BIOS to play with. I like new languages, I like new cultures. I like travelling to places where nobody knows me and I can engineer myself a persona. Forgiveness and starting fresh, starting with a new perspective.

That's my list. Post yours.

Today I noticed how empathic I am. I feed off the energy others send out. I can't see people cry, or I start to cry. It doesn't matter if it's staged in a movie, or real at a funeral. I can't do it. If people are laughing, I'm laughing. It's not typical for me to be the odd one in a bad mood when surrounded by people having a good time.


Hearing Nicole's voice was such a snap back to reality. I needed to hear her and I didn't even realize it until she called.

I've been lamenting all weekend, about my dog, Leonard, my friends, high school, everything. I discovered that since my breakup, my confidence in myself has been completely dashed. I'm working on getting that back. Looking back from today and last week, I've improved. I can only go up from here and I'm excited. I'm not letting him control me anymore. It's time to move on with my life because he's not going to wait around for me at all. If we end up back together, then we end up back together, which would be nice. That's not a guarantee though. No more wasting my life thinking about what was and what could've been. This is what it was, this is what it is, who knows how it will be. I'll know when those times come.

I have no music I want to listen to lately. I haven't found anything new, so I've reverted to a childhood favourite to bide me time. Everyone knows I adore Annie Lenox. My playlist has consisted of Mylene Farmer, and the Eurythmics.




This is why I love Nicole; she knows me better than anyone on the planet:

"Nicole

haha

I like how I know you hold down the shift button instead of using caps lock"

"Cancer: You've been saying you'd do something for ages, but today you'll take a step toward doing it. . "

That is today's horoscope for me. I read it after I booked a doctor's appointment. I've been saying I was going to book one for two months now.

Today was a good day, I have to admit, but I have just one question: Why do I feel like shit?

I can't blog lately. I don't have anything to say. I wake up in the morning to go to work, I come home and I go to bed. I am doing nothing with my life, absolutely nothing. Am I really so driven by making money instead of loosening up and having a good time? Am I afraid of being hurt again? I haven't stopped hurting yet, so where lies the problem?

I miss him every day, and I wonder if he's missing me. I'll never know because I can't bring myself to ask. I don't think I want to know either.

I miss the feeling of being wanted, of making another person happy. I miss being able to tell someone I love them and mean it with every fibre of my being.

I hate how hung up I am on him still. I hate how my emotions are controlling me. Since when do I have a heart? Ask anyone last year and they'd say I'm a cold, disconnect prick. When did that change? Is it for the better? I hope so.

I've been so exhausted lately. I've been covering double shifts at work, and I'm going to continue for another week. I don't have a choice. At least I'll rake in a nice pay cheque but that means I have to kiss my tiny social life goodbye.

I gave my mother a hug today for the first time in a very long time. It was so strange. It wasn't uncomfortable, it's just been so long. I may not talk to her much, and when I do I might not be as nice as I could be, but have no doubt. I love my mother more than anyone else in the world and I would be completely ruined if anything ever happened to her. I miss her.

I think tomorrow I'm going to stop by O'Leary and say hello to a few of my old teachers. I haven't seen them in a year.

I've been reading my horoscope daily again. It frightens me how accurate they seem to be sometimes. As general as they are, they always seem to get it right.

Fiona Apple's voice is like a rich dark chocolate that I cannot stop eating.

I'm rambling now. I have no more words to say.