Words Do No Justice

This is an open letter, verbal diarrhea, a total nonsensical spewing of thoughts and emotions that I have to dump now because I'm a fool and should've done this months ago, weeks ago, days ago. There's no better time than the present.


Fuck you. Fuck you for destroying me, for lying to me, for lying to yourself. Fuck you for making me feel so insecure, so unworthy, so absolutely useless. You abused every part of my emotionally and physically until I smothered you and everything we had. You demeaned me, underestimated me, and used me. You made me think and feel so many things, and then you ripped it right out from me because you couldn't bring yourself to do it before they grew. You crushed my entire esteem, and corrupted all the confidence in me. You're ignorant of all the hurt, all the anger, all the spite that I hold. I blame you for it all, because I gave everything to you. Everything. You incinerated it all. Now you come to me, because you need me in some perverse way, and I am strangely drawn to you. You're doing it to me so indirectly, so unaware, and I hate you for even that. You say every wrong thing at exactly the right times and I fall for it, every time. As much as I say I want nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you or your life, I can't help but wonder if that's what I want. I find myself thinking maybe there's a way we can tolerate each other, but I can't. I can't do it -but I can't cut you out. I hate you.



You hurt me. You hurt me but I'm healing. I told you everything you felt, and you disagreed, for 3 months. I'm glad you're such a good person, and you did the right thing. I'm not going to argue with you because you're right. We don't want the same things. You want sex, you want to be able to show someone off, and be shown off. You're like someone trapped in a high-school relationship, with the maturity that matches your age. I want to settle, I know what I want and I don't think that is you after-all. I can be your friend, certainly, because that's all it really felt like. A friend I could kiss.


You're so far away, and I've been so off and on with you emotionally. I think I really just like the security of it all, but I can't see you as anything more than a friend and to be honest, that hurts me. It hurts me because I know what I'm doing to you and I haven't said anything to clarify these feelings. I only see you as a friend. I've said it. I know you read this. I know you know who you are. I hold you close, I do. I've told you so many things, and I am so comfortable with you. I want you in my life, but not romantically. You're such a great person, and you're going to make someone so extremely happy -that someone is not me. It's not to say that you can't make me happy, because you do. Not in the way that lovers do. You're gold, you really are. I can't wait to see you happy.



I've been in "like" with you for years. We're the couple doomed to live apart. I love that you're happy, even if it's not with me. I can't wish anything more for you and I hope that he's really the one. I don't think I've ever seen you smile like that in all the time I've known you.

After watching one and a half episodes of “Obsessed”, here is a list of things I am compulsive about:

Being on time. When I am anticipating being some place, or expecting someone, I am completely obsessed with being on time. I can’t stand being early because I can’t occupy myself. The feeling of standing around waiting makes me nervous, makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, makes me feel like I don’t belong in the place that I am, and I feel like every person present is watching what I’m doing. I can’t stand being late because I feel as if I’ve let every person present down, I’ve inconvenienced people, I’ve made a bad impression. Most of it is a self-image problem. I am extremely aware of how I present myself in the world, and I can’t stand feeling like I am not presenting a well put together image of myself. My punctuality is -in my mind - a direct reflection of that image. I put each clock that I look at a few minutes ahead, just to ensure that I don’t run late, and that I am early enough that I can take my time and not have to rush around trying to be on time. I ensure that each of those clocks are synched within a minute of each other daily as well.

My hands. I have a huge compulsion with the cleanliness of my hands. According to my mother, it started when I was a baby -when I would eat, I would have my hands wiped after each bite, I wouldn’t take another bite until my hands were clean. Playing in the dirt? My hands always were spotless. I wash my hands after waking up, before touching my toothbrush, before shaving, before getting into the shower, after getting out of the shower, before washing my face, after washing my face, after getting dressed, after doing my hair, before grabbing my keys, before I leave the house, I wash them when on break at work, before i come back from break, when I get home from work, before I eat, after I eat, after touching my cat, before going to bed. There are too many times to list or even consciously recall. My hands have to be clean.

Twisting caps. When twisting any kind of cap, I have to twist it a minimum of three times, maximum 5 times. What counts as a twist? When you release the cap and grasp it again to continue turning it. If I screw up, I tighten it or take it off and try again. Needless to say, after I finally open my Snapple, it does not get re-capped.

Multiples of 5. I have to have my alarm go off at a time where the minutes are a multiple of 5. I have to leave the house at a time where the minutes are a multiple of 5. If I miss that multiple of 5, I have to wait until the next one comes. Bus schedules were very difficult for me.

People. I’m not sure if this counts as an actual obsessive compulsion but… If I have someone on my mind, any one of my friends, family members, work, anyone with access to an indirect means to contact me (phone, facebook, etc) I constantly check to see if I have heard from them. I will check my phone, anticipating a text or missed call, a voicemail, a facebook message -anything. I will do this repeatedly until I finally do hear from them, and then I can relax until the next time I’m worried about them. Boyfriends, best friends, friends in general, clients, parents, work, usually it’s people I’ve seen recently or miss a great deal. Rarely ever do I go and make the initial contact so this drives me crazy until I get word from them, and they have no idea about it.

Those are the only things I can think of at the moment. I’m sure there are more things that I could always add.