Words Do No Justice

I did it.


I found myself.


I found me.

My day has been completely fucked (if nothing in the message makes sense, I apologize, my meds are hitting me hard tonight for some reason).


Basically I woke up to a phone call at 10 saying "Greg come into work early please, manager's orders". I jumped out of bed thinking "Oh shit what did I do, what did I fuck up". I race my ass to work (after trying to eat some tomato soup I had made) to find out that the schedule got fucked, and a trainee was there basically alone with junior staff. Soooo I worked a few more hours today, which I'm fine with. More money for me!

This next paragraph needs some backstory so you know what the hell is going on.
Southgate is the studio I don't work at. Val manages southgate. Kingsway is the studio I work at. I am an associate. Val used to work at Kingsway as an associate when I started. We get drunk on the weekends together. She's twice my age... I think. Kingsway has no manager, we have one assistant. Val is covering the manager's position at two studios now (kingsway and southgate) because she has a fantastic assistant. I am supposed to get a promotion before or after christmas to the assistant position because I'm damn good at my job. Val is the one to train me, and she's doing it all under the table early for Christmas so I can help out, again, because I'm awesome at what I do (I sound so arrogant now )

Val calls me, says hey so things are happening we need to talk, when are you free this week? I said, How about tonight? So I took her to a restaurant and we snacked on appetizers and talked nothing but work. We talked about what's going on with the studio (when I refer to "the studio", I mean kingsway), what my present roles are, what she expects of me, and what her plans for this training are. We talked action plans on how to get everyone in the studio on the same page, so we organized to have a staff meeting, and we talked about general issues and staffing issues.

Then I came home and here we are.


That's my day!

This is an open letter, verbal diarrhea, a total nonsensical spewing of thoughts and emotions that I have to dump now because I'm a fool and should've done this months ago, weeks ago, days ago. There's no better time than the present.


Fuck you. Fuck you for destroying me, for lying to me, for lying to yourself. Fuck you for making me feel so insecure, so unworthy, so absolutely useless. You abused every part of my emotionally and physically until I smothered you and everything we had. You demeaned me, underestimated me, and used me. You made me think and feel so many things, and then you ripped it right out from me because you couldn't bring yourself to do it before they grew. You crushed my entire esteem, and corrupted all the confidence in me. You're ignorant of all the hurt, all the anger, all the spite that I hold. I blame you for it all, because I gave everything to you. Everything. You incinerated it all. Now you come to me, because you need me in some perverse way, and I am strangely drawn to you. You're doing it to me so indirectly, so unaware, and I hate you for even that. You say every wrong thing at exactly the right times and I fall for it, every time. As much as I say I want nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you or your life, I can't help but wonder if that's what I want. I find myself thinking maybe there's a way we can tolerate each other, but I can't. I can't do it -but I can't cut you out. I hate you.



You hurt me. You hurt me but I'm healing. I told you everything you felt, and you disagreed, for 3 months. I'm glad you're such a good person, and you did the right thing. I'm not going to argue with you because you're right. We don't want the same things. You want sex, you want to be able to show someone off, and be shown off. You're like someone trapped in a high-school relationship, with the maturity that matches your age. I want to settle, I know what I want and I don't think that is you after-all. I can be your friend, certainly, because that's all it really felt like. A friend I could kiss.


You're so far away, and I've been so off and on with you emotionally. I think I really just like the security of it all, but I can't see you as anything more than a friend and to be honest, that hurts me. It hurts me because I know what I'm doing to you and I haven't said anything to clarify these feelings. I only see you as a friend. I've said it. I know you read this. I know you know who you are. I hold you close, I do. I've told you so many things, and I am so comfortable with you. I want you in my life, but not romantically. You're such a great person, and you're going to make someone so extremely happy -that someone is not me. It's not to say that you can't make me happy, because you do. Not in the way that lovers do. You're gold, you really are. I can't wait to see you happy.



I've been in "like" with you for years. We're the couple doomed to live apart. I love that you're happy, even if it's not with me. I can't wish anything more for you and I hope that he's really the one. I don't think I've ever seen you smile like that in all the time I've known you.

After watching one and a half episodes of “Obsessed”, here is a list of things I am compulsive about:

Being on time. When I am anticipating being some place, or expecting someone, I am completely obsessed with being on time. I can’t stand being early because I can’t occupy myself. The feeling of standing around waiting makes me nervous, makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, makes me feel like I don’t belong in the place that I am, and I feel like every person present is watching what I’m doing. I can’t stand being late because I feel as if I’ve let every person present down, I’ve inconvenienced people, I’ve made a bad impression. Most of it is a self-image problem. I am extremely aware of how I present myself in the world, and I can’t stand feeling like I am not presenting a well put together image of myself. My punctuality is -in my mind - a direct reflection of that image. I put each clock that I look at a few minutes ahead, just to ensure that I don’t run late, and that I am early enough that I can take my time and not have to rush around trying to be on time. I ensure that each of those clocks are synched within a minute of each other daily as well.

My hands. I have a huge compulsion with the cleanliness of my hands. According to my mother, it started when I was a baby -when I would eat, I would have my hands wiped after each bite, I wouldn’t take another bite until my hands were clean. Playing in the dirt? My hands always were spotless. I wash my hands after waking up, before touching my toothbrush, before shaving, before getting into the shower, after getting out of the shower, before washing my face, after washing my face, after getting dressed, after doing my hair, before grabbing my keys, before I leave the house, I wash them when on break at work, before i come back from break, when I get home from work, before I eat, after I eat, after touching my cat, before going to bed. There are too many times to list or even consciously recall. My hands have to be clean.

Twisting caps. When twisting any kind of cap, I have to twist it a minimum of three times, maximum 5 times. What counts as a twist? When you release the cap and grasp it again to continue turning it. If I screw up, I tighten it or take it off and try again. Needless to say, after I finally open my Snapple, it does not get re-capped.

Multiples of 5. I have to have my alarm go off at a time where the minutes are a multiple of 5. I have to leave the house at a time where the minutes are a multiple of 5. If I miss that multiple of 5, I have to wait until the next one comes. Bus schedules were very difficult for me.

People. I’m not sure if this counts as an actual obsessive compulsion but… If I have someone on my mind, any one of my friends, family members, work, anyone with access to an indirect means to contact me (phone, facebook, etc) I constantly check to see if I have heard from them. I will check my phone, anticipating a text or missed call, a voicemail, a facebook message -anything. I will do this repeatedly until I finally do hear from them, and then I can relax until the next time I’m worried about them. Boyfriends, best friends, friends in general, clients, parents, work, usually it’s people I’ve seen recently or miss a great deal. Rarely ever do I go and make the initial contact so this drives me crazy until I get word from them, and they have no idea about it.

Those are the only things I can think of at the moment. I’m sure there are more things that I could always add.

I've had this up for a while, but I haven't posted about it here yet. I have set up an online portfolio for my photos. Here's the link. I've been considering getting a new deviantArt account, I hate the username and domain that I have now. I've had that account for years. We'll see what happens with that.

I just finished watching a few episodes of Dead Like Me. Each times I watch that show, the wheels in my head start grinding away.












I push people away fro- no. I don't push people away from me. I don't get myself involved with people. I sit on the sidelines and watch. Somehow I got this idea into my head that life is a spectator sport. I don't know why I do it. I don't really know how to stop. I'm the kind of person you have to approach, or you won't know me at all. I'm the person you have to push into the lake if I'm going to swim.

I don't ask questions because I'm afraid of answers.

I want to go camping in a tent and let my phone die. I want to be completely disconnected again.


Mostly,


I just want to see the stars.

I enjoy how when I am angry with my family, they know not to speak to me.

Let's get rid of the worst:
Stage:
I just leave the bathroom after a cold shower before bed. My mother is standing at the end of the hall leaning against the wall.
Dialogue:
Mom: Finally.
Me: What?
Mom: Some of us would like to use the bathroom so we can go to bed.
Me: Oh, so sorry to delay you for the 10 minutes I was in there while you were outside smoking for 5.
Mom: You know, since you've gotten that license you've been nothing but an ass.
Me: I haven't even been home to be an ass, and I didn't even do anything wrong so what the fuck?
Enter, Dad
Dad: You don't seem to do anything right either
More words are exchanged
Me: Sorry for being such a godawful son. I'm such a waste of sperm, dad you should've waited for the next batch.

End scene

Honestly, what was said to me hurt, a lot. I'm glad to know I'm the biggest fuck-up of my parent's lives, that no matter what I do, it's not good enough. The worst part is that it's not even me just thinking that, it's the fact that they say it and it's true. My parents see me as a total and complete failure.

Enough about that


--


Things have been very good between Adam and I. We're not sick of each other, we can make jokes about each other. He wants a relationship with me as badly as I want a relationship with him, and we're making it work. I can't wait for our first fight. I almost let the L word slip out a few times today. I stopped myself, and in retrospect I'm glad I did. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Yes, I like him a lot, no, I don't love him yet. I will, in time.

I got my license! I know some of you are saying, "Finally!" and so am I. Being able to drive on my own is such a liberating feeling. I feel so much more independent and more my age. As much as I hate having to pay for gas, I don't miss the bus.

I tend to blog once a month now. I don't know how to feel about this. Part of me is saying, "You have nothing to write about". Another part of me is saying, "You have to write about this". I keep saying I'll try, and I don't follow through. I don't like that.

It's my birthday today! I am now 19 and I don't feel any older really. Everyone says that I guess; the only thing I can say is wow, I've matured since my last birthday!

I have tried posting a blog for three days now and for some reason I keep getting a 404 error when I try to post. Tonight had better be different, it's my birthday for god's sake!

Father's Day was a good day. I went to Moxie's with the family, and stayed and met with Nicole. It was so refreshing seeing her. *Side note: She looked really good that day* We talked and talked in Moxie's and then we left. Nicole decided it was one of those nights where we get completely self-destructive so she pulled onto a side road with some nice trees, we pulled the seats of her Escape back, and we bitched and cried and tried to figure our problems out. I love when we do that, as strange as it may be. Picking away at every emotion that we've tucked under the surface is therapeutic, we're psych's for each other. I can't open up to anyone like I do with Nicole, I am so glad I can trust her with everything.

She brought me back to a memory with a certain individual and I felt something I didn't want to feel for a long time. I didn't think that I would be reminded of how happy I was with that person. Then I was reminded of how crippled I was. How can a person get on having these feelings, all of them just compiling. We may forget them, but they're still there.

I went on a date last night. I met Adam at work, and he took me to the fanciest goddamn restaurant ever. We had $20 pasta, and a bottle of wine, which was fantastic, but just how much thought he put into the whole evening was absolutely stellar. It's so nice being on the receiving end of that for once! He called everywhere to see what would be open late so we could go for desert, but everything was closed. I politely refused to have desert at the restaurant because he'd already spent enough money on me. We walked to the legislative grounds and talked and kissed and oh god it was wonderful. He's so romantic and sweet and thoughtful, he's smart, cute, and he is so genuine. I can't wait to see where this goes, but I'm going slow. I'm trying not to make the same mistakes I did before but I'm still trying to take risks. He's such a sweetheart though, he's not going to make this easy. He's coming to my birthday as well, which I'm stoked for. I can finally dance with him again between drinks with my friends!


Even though Adam will be attending my birthday, I'm going to try and remember that my friends will be there as well and I can't simply ignore them because of a love interest. I don't want to be that person.

Work is turning into a gongshow. Larissa quit on short notice, which isn't that big of a deal, we can get more hours covering what were her shifts. I don't know why exactly she quit, nor is it my business, but I hope everything is alright with her. As much as I admire her professionally, she's also a friend. "S", as she will be referred to, is a whole other story. She's been asking ridiculous questions and conniving, trying to manipulate us and the company to suit her needs. I know her background and how she's a backstabber and a liar, but two can play at her game. As it stands, I'm sort of an inside man, S sees me as a person to confide in, but my loyalties lie with my superiors. We're cutting her hours, writing her up, and trying as hard as we can to catch her whenever she slips up so we have a legitimate reason to fire her. Unfortunately with no Manager and the assistant leaving on vacation for two weeks, if we need to fire her soon, I might have to be the one to do it. Ugh.

There was more I wanted to write, but now I don't remember what there was, so I'll leave it at this.
I'll try to blog more often, I'm sure I left a lot out.

Please forgive me for my distance,
The pain is evident in my existence.
Please forgive me for my distance,
Shame is manifest in my resistance
To your love.

I had such a horrible weekend, I don't even know where to start. I guess friday would be good.

Friday I woke up and made my walk down the hallway as usual, when I tipped over and fell on my face. I lifted my head to the worst dizzy spell I've experienced thus far in my life. I honestly could not walk. I hugged the wall and made it back to my bed, where I began making phonecalls to work. I couldn't find anyone to cover my shift but I wasn't going either way so it didn't matter. I was absolutely tied to my bed. Everyone says "take an Advil", too bad I have allergies to something in it. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I wish doctors knew. It's the fact that they don't that upsets me the most. I'm some rare case that they can't figure out and that terrifies me. I spent this entire weekend afraid. Not just afraid of a possible medical condition, but of everything. I'm moving out soon, I'm not going back to school, I have no healthcare anymore, the person I was interested in seems to have lost interest and it's entirely because I can't open up anymore. I'm beginning to hate my job and how my company will try any sneaky thing they can to screw us over. I'm beginning to be angry with myself for not being completely put together all the time anymore. I just have no drive to be anything anymore; I've been floating. I need to be inspired by something or someone. I'm so tired of being mediocre but I have no idea where to start improving. I don't talk to anyone anymore unless they talk to me really. I've become so introverted as of late, I don't even want to go out anymore. I've been forcing myself because I know it's what I need but it just doesn't feel like it helps. I've needed a good hug and some comforting words so badly lately. I just need someone to tell me I'm doing the right things and that i'm doing the best that I can; that I'm not fucking myself over and that I'm worth something. I spent my entire life trying to make my parents proud of me and the only thing I ever hear from them is that I'm not doing good enough or that I'm not doing what they expected out of me. I have become so dependent on happiness in others that I have no idea if I'm happy. Am I happy?

Well, I failed at blogging once a week, awesome. Nicole and I are on a break right now. I haven't talked to her in a while so I don't know what's up, but I'm going to give her her space. She'll come around when she's ready, even if neither of us know when that is.

I still haven't gone on a date with that boy, but we talk almost daily. He's adorable, I have a bit of a crush, I'm not going to lie.

I'm moving out in June, I'm nervous and excited. There are so many things I have to prepare. I need to organize all my belongings, I need to get every account associated with me set out and written in my name so I have sole access to it, I need boxes; lots of them, I need money, I need furniture, I need experience.

I'm re-certifying my WSI so I can teach swimming again, I don't know what I'll do with the studio. I might keep it, I might ditch it altogether. The pool will pay me twice as much as the studio does, but having that "double" income would be good. I need to put insurance on my car, unless I live near some damn good transit lines, which I'll have to learn. I haven't got a place picked out yet, but I'm working on it. I've already come across a number of scams, but I think I've found a few legit places that I'm being set up to view. Why does everything have to cost so much money? Fuck.

I'm bored of the studio to be honest. It was nice at first when I was learning and everything, but the rest of the work is so mundane and redundant. I find myself shooting the same poses every session. It's all the same, there's nothing different. I can't develop my more creative side this way at all.

Something interesting came up at work this week. I was practicing a silhouette shot with Larissa and she said something that struck me, and it was totally irrelevant to what I was focusing on. What she said could be applied to really anything and I think I caught a glimpse of exactly how she thinks. "There's nothing saying that the backdrop has to be here, in this specific place". That really made me think, and what she said was true. All we're told is to look at the tracking light, and have the subject there for optimum lighting to illuminate the face for a good exposure and clarity. What if we want a different lighting effect? Since we can't move the light, move the subject. I don't know why nobody ever thought of that before and it's an interesting way to think.

I'm peeved with work as well. Since Christmas, we've slowed down a lot, and so we've been able to take our time in the camera rooms. Now, I know me and I know me pretty well (or so I like to think). I'm a good sales person, I know how to say things and push someone along one direction. I know my prices inside and out, and I know how to manipulate the way I promote things depending on my sale goal. If I'm looking to sell a lot, I'm not going to work bottom up, I'm going top down. I don't show them the cheaper options unless they ask. It works. It's a damn shame I don't make commission because I make the company a decent amount of money. I can go through an entire sale in 10 minutes or less, even with picky and/or seasoned customers. I like to take my time in the camera room and get as many shots as I can. When I have a session, all I'm concerned about is getting the shots. I don't care if the customer has to come back to order because there's no more time left in the appointment. I know they're going to come back feeling good about the session and they'll spend more money because I got a lot of shots and good ones at that. Now suddenly I'm being rushed, my superiors coming into the room saying "Greg hurry up it's been 20 minutes". That makes me seem so unprofessional, like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm still in that camera room because I haven't gotten the shots I need, don't rush me. I can only work as fast as the children (or adults) I'm dealing with. I'm going to have a nice chat with my manager about this issue, and if she doesn't at least try to compromise with me, I'm moving to the southgate location where I know I'll have that kind of support. I'm a good photographer when I'm focused, my boss knows it. If she doesn't like how I conduct my business, I have others who do and I will go to them. Enough said.

I'm going to try and blog once a week now.

I went to the gay bar for the first time, and I love it. I've been once since. It's nice to go to a bar and not have to worry about looking at someone the wrong way, saying the wrong thing, worrying about getting killed. The atmosphere is relaxing and exciting at the same time, you just feel comfortable. You don't have creepy guys looking at the girls (or boys), you just have people who want to dance and have fun, and that's the only reason they're there. One thing that bothers me is the straight guys who dance with you, and don't tell you they're straight until after you've hit on them for a while. Jerks hahaha.

I've been talking to this guy for a few days now, he's really cute:


He's a paramedic, but he lives out in Rimbey. He works 4 days on and 4 days off; he comes to the city on his days off, and he plans on going to the U of A soon for some course. There's been some definite good signs and we might start seeing each other. We're so alike by the sounds of it. I'm stoked to see where this goes.

I feel like I'm biting off way more than I can chew lately. I have to get a business license soon so I can claim income tax from my clients. I don't think I'm ready for that, I'm not even 19 yet. I have the next few years of my life planned out, and that scares the shit out of me. I am going to work, work, and work some more. I'm going to become an absolute work-a-holic. I am going to do amazing at work, and I am going to have a shit-ton of clients of my own. I've been reflecting on a set price-list of products for my business. Here's a run down of what I have so far:

Scheduling Fee: $10 (Only refundable in the event of the photographer's cancellation)
Cancellation/Rescheduling Fee: $30
Photography Fee: $100 + $50 for every hour after the first (This includes editing -Thanks Larissa)
CD: $5
Partial Copyright Ownership (Terms of which are negotiable, pricing is not): $100
Full Copyright Ownership: $1000
Prints: $15 each (8x10 or smaller)

I think that's all pretty reasonable, and I have to be able to make a profit somehow if all that is going to be taxed. So for 50 images with no retouching and reserved copyright licensing on a CD it would cost $165. That's pretty cheap. Why do I have a cancellation fee? I have to take time off work from my actual job to get whatever my client wants done, I have to arrange for my own transportation, my equipment, and this is my time and skills we're talking about. I am providing a service that one cannot provide for themselves (Hence why they're hiring me) and what I have learned and spent time developing is not going to be wasted. Every contract I write also says that if for any reason I (the photographer) must cancel, I will make any arrangement I can to find another photographer to take my place, or refund any money (the scheduling deposit). I have to make a living somehow.

I find myself micromanaging myself so much lately. I have my day planned out completely before I leave the house. I have my morning routine timed with a 5 minute flexibility. I think I'm going crazy, I'm becoming such a control freak. I am causing myself so much unneeded stress by doing it too. I'm becoming a workaholic, I'm becoming greedy, and I've lost all my focus. I have forgotten everything I've trained myself to do. I hadn't really taken time for myself in a long time until this past weekend. I finally treated myself to completely letting go and forgetting all consequence. Now I'm addicted to that feeling like morphine. I am craving to go back to Play, be with "my people". I haven't felt that comfortable with myself in months and I've missed it. I liked being able to look at a guy knowing that I wouldn't get shitkicked. I liked not having to worry about how I looked or how I acted or who I was with or how I danced or anything. The atmosphere of that place just assures me that I'm okay just the way I am. Since I've been single I can't help but remember Nicole's words about me being so devastated, so destroyed. I don't see myself as that anymore, I see myself as renovated. I was someone old and I'm rebuilding myself into someone better.

I visited O'leary today and saw people I haven't seen in close to a year. I miss being in school, I miss seeing friends everyday, I miss having a reason to be up early. I talked a bit with my old English teacher, and it was as if she had been frozen in time. She hasn't changed a bit but I felt so much older, I felt so much more knowledgeable than what I was sitting in her class. I can't believe it's almost been a year and a half since I've been out of school.

I'm growing older too quickly. I'm not ready for this, I'm not even 19.

Make a list of all the things you take for granted.


My warm bed
Internet
Clean water
My parents
Piano
My friends
Cell phone
Shopping centers
Grocery stores
Being able to go to any store and buy anything in the world that I want


There are so many things that came to mind that I couldn't possibly make a list of everything.
I hate our greedy society.

Bones don't feel so strip me down to my skeleton and throw my skin to the dogs. Use the sinew from my muscles to mend the tear in my still-beating heart, and the air from my lungs to blow the tears from my still-watering eyes. This is the cycle of regeneration and I'm slowly filling in. I'm filling in the cracks of my foundations and constructing the new me within and around them. I'll be fresh and well-oiled, spry and flexible. Strip me to my skeleton so I can grow once more.

Yesterday was very much needed and I loved every second of it.

I spent the entire day with Nicole, we went shopping. I ended up spending around $300 but it was all well worth every cent. Nothing is more satisfying than purchasing material goods to make you feel better about yourself. This new underwear is also the most comfortable garment I have ever worn! I love seeing Nicole when she comes home. I miss her so much. I'm glad she came this weekend. I got my Christmas gift from her and I absolutely love it! It's a stone plate sort-of with the Mayan calendar going around it. I still have to find out which figure represents the month I was born in. It's so cool, it makes my gift seem so insignificant. I have yet to give it to her, but I think it's best if we do it at a restaurant. It's be so much cuter that way.

I went to the Rush game with Ashley that evening, and met her new boyfriend. They are so goddamn cute together! I'm so happy for them! I don't think I've ever seen Ashley so giddy and cutesy. She's got my approval haha. Her and I had a good talk at the LRT station as well. I needed to hear all the things she said, as she needed to hear what I said. We're the reality checks in each other's lives. I hope her and Matt stay together for a very long and happy time.

I'm feeling so much better about myself now, and I can feel my confidence being restored. I can look myself in the eye when I look in the mirror again, I feel good about my body again, and I feel independent again. I'm just that much closer to being "okay" again, and it feels great. I haven't stopped smiling all day. I don't need any gratification from anyone anymore. I'm amazing and I know it. I'm better than what I was, because I've grown.

My romantic feelings are mixed right now, but I'm not going to get into it because I still have to figure out what's real and what's seeking fruition.