Words Do No Justice

I don't know what's worse. The lies you told me, or that I found out first hand via pretending to be someone else. I can't believe you called me your boyfriend and that you said you "weren't looking for anyone else" because you were happy with me. When did all of that change? Why did all of that change? I'm no different than I was a month ago. I am the very same person. How could you say those things to me only to go behind my back and say the same things to another guy? I trusted you. I liked you- I liked you a damn lot, and I told you so the day before. You said "I'm not attached, hi, I'm Nick". Then I told you who I was. Then, I said goodbye because I knew you wouldn't and somebody had to. I'm broken again. You've made me put up my walls, and add a few layers to them. How can I ever trust anyone again after you? I can see incompatibility, I can see a fight, but out of the blue after you told me you'd try to make things work with your new promotion and being out of town a lot more? Who do you think you are? Why did you do this to me? I feel like I've been thrown out in the street without any clothes on, and you're the cold air around me slowly setting me into my hypothermic coma. You're 27 years old, and you can't tell me that you don't want to be in a relationship with me? How did you ever have a relationship for longer than a month? How? What is wrong with you? I have felt like throwing up for two days now because of the way you make me feel. You have no idea how much I liked you, how much I wanted to be with you, how much I liked visiting you after work and just looking at you and kissing you and laughing for no reason with you. You didn't even apologize, or make an attempt to right things after I caught you. You knew what you were doing. You don't care. You lied. I don't wish bad things on people but I hope somebody does to you what you did to me. I hope you come crawling back. I know you won't.


You never could.

This is my new photoblog. I don't know if I want to be writing anymore. I haven't sat down and blogged in a very long time.



http://twis-t.blogspot.com

It's 2:09am. I can't sleep. I am exhausted from working a 12 hour shift. Fuck my life.


I can't get him off my mind.


I miss having a life, something more to talk about than work. What happened to me?

I miss being in a meaningful relationship. I miss laying on a couch on top of someone that I trust and am comfortable with. I miss my friends. I miss being able to spend money on anything and everything instead of budgeting. I miss the ocean. I miss the sun. I miss the feeling being wanted. I miss when my only worry was "what should I wear today?". I miss being able to talk to my mother. I miss not knowing what love is.

I am going to stop pursuing Brent now. I don't think he has any actual interest in me. If something happens, it happens, but I'm not keeping my hopes up.

I haven't heard Tokio Hotel in just over a year. I relived all of high-school in my mind within the entire song. I've changed a lot.


I'm not sure I like all the changes.

I don't know what you meant by "That's a tough question". You either like me or you don't.

I guess I'll continue on the way I have been, and if something happens, it happens. I'm hopeful but not confident. I'm bad at this sort of thing.

I can't get you out of my head.




I want to get to know you more.



I want to have a chance with you.



I need to be more patient.



I need to be less jealous.



I'm making a list in my head of all the reasons I'd be good for you and then I got to thinking, why do I need you to be validated?



Maybe it's more of an admiration.



But I'd still like to try.







You haven't talked to me in weeks. I hope you're doing okay and I know you'll come around. I miss you and I need you in my life. I want my best friend back.

I'm going nowhere in my life.


I take pictures-



-that's not a career.

This weekend practically solidified the promotion I'm expecting after Christmas. I have been in the camera room all weekend, shooting back to back sessions in ten minutes each. For every single session I've gotten 10 poses. That's a pose a minute, and while that doesn't seem like a lot, it's getting mom, dad, sibling1 and sibling2 lined up, looking at the camera and smiling all at the same time. People don't understand how much effort and quick thinking goes into my job. During Christmas photographers at my studio are expected to get 6 poses in 15 minutes, take 3 minutes to edit, then take in the next session. I have my own editor (if you will), and after I'm done with one group I bring in the next. I (as an individual) shot 30 appointments out of 52 between 4 photographers.

To put that in perspective, if we divided the 52 appointments and assumed each photographer took a quarter during the day, we each would've shot 13 appointments. I shot 2.3x what I was supposed to, more than doubling my performance. Needless to say, I am completely exhausted and only survived thanks to shotgunning a Red-bull in the morning and maintaining my buzz through the back through copious amounts of coffee.

Driving my boss home, we talked about how retarded some of our temp staff is, and how the assistant probably isn't going to last long. Because of my fantastic performance, she's definitely fighting for me to get the promotions I've been asking for for months now. I'm responsible for selling approximately $2600 of the $4000 we made, which is pretty decent for a Sunday in an economic recession.


I'm in such a good mood tonight.

I did it.


I found myself.


I found me.

My day has been completely fucked (if nothing in the message makes sense, I apologize, my meds are hitting me hard tonight for some reason).


Basically I woke up to a phone call at 10 saying "Greg come into work early please, manager's orders". I jumped out of bed thinking "Oh shit what did I do, what did I fuck up". I race my ass to work (after trying to eat some tomato soup I had made) to find out that the schedule got fucked, and a trainee was there basically alone with junior staff. Soooo I worked a few more hours today, which I'm fine with. More money for me!

This next paragraph needs some backstory so you know what the hell is going on.
Southgate is the studio I don't work at. Val manages southgate. Kingsway is the studio I work at. I am an associate. Val used to work at Kingsway as an associate when I started. We get drunk on the weekends together. She's twice my age... I think. Kingsway has no manager, we have one assistant. Val is covering the manager's position at two studios now (kingsway and southgate) because she has a fantastic assistant. I am supposed to get a promotion before or after christmas to the assistant position because I'm damn good at my job. Val is the one to train me, and she's doing it all under the table early for Christmas so I can help out, again, because I'm awesome at what I do (I sound so arrogant now )

Val calls me, says hey so things are happening we need to talk, when are you free this week? I said, How about tonight? So I took her to a restaurant and we snacked on appetizers and talked nothing but work. We talked about what's going on with the studio (when I refer to "the studio", I mean kingsway), what my present roles are, what she expects of me, and what her plans for this training are. We talked action plans on how to get everyone in the studio on the same page, so we organized to have a staff meeting, and we talked about general issues and staffing issues.

Then I came home and here we are.


That's my day!

This is an open letter, verbal diarrhea, a total nonsensical spewing of thoughts and emotions that I have to dump now because I'm a fool and should've done this months ago, weeks ago, days ago. There's no better time than the present.


Fuck you. Fuck you for destroying me, for lying to me, for lying to yourself. Fuck you for making me feel so insecure, so unworthy, so absolutely useless. You abused every part of my emotionally and physically until I smothered you and everything we had. You demeaned me, underestimated me, and used me. You made me think and feel so many things, and then you ripped it right out from me because you couldn't bring yourself to do it before they grew. You crushed my entire esteem, and corrupted all the confidence in me. You're ignorant of all the hurt, all the anger, all the spite that I hold. I blame you for it all, because I gave everything to you. Everything. You incinerated it all. Now you come to me, because you need me in some perverse way, and I am strangely drawn to you. You're doing it to me so indirectly, so unaware, and I hate you for even that. You say every wrong thing at exactly the right times and I fall for it, every time. As much as I say I want nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you or your life, I can't help but wonder if that's what I want. I find myself thinking maybe there's a way we can tolerate each other, but I can't. I can't do it -but I can't cut you out. I hate you.



You hurt me. You hurt me but I'm healing. I told you everything you felt, and you disagreed, for 3 months. I'm glad you're such a good person, and you did the right thing. I'm not going to argue with you because you're right. We don't want the same things. You want sex, you want to be able to show someone off, and be shown off. You're like someone trapped in a high-school relationship, with the maturity that matches your age. I want to settle, I know what I want and I don't think that is you after-all. I can be your friend, certainly, because that's all it really felt like. A friend I could kiss.


You're so far away, and I've been so off and on with you emotionally. I think I really just like the security of it all, but I can't see you as anything more than a friend and to be honest, that hurts me. It hurts me because I know what I'm doing to you and I haven't said anything to clarify these feelings. I only see you as a friend. I've said it. I know you read this. I know you know who you are. I hold you close, I do. I've told you so many things, and I am so comfortable with you. I want you in my life, but not romantically. You're such a great person, and you're going to make someone so extremely happy -that someone is not me. It's not to say that you can't make me happy, because you do. Not in the way that lovers do. You're gold, you really are. I can't wait to see you happy.



I've been in "like" with you for years. We're the couple doomed to live apart. I love that you're happy, even if it's not with me. I can't wish anything more for you and I hope that he's really the one. I don't think I've ever seen you smile like that in all the time I've known you.

After watching one and a half episodes of “Obsessed”, here is a list of things I am compulsive about:

Being on time. When I am anticipating being some place, or expecting someone, I am completely obsessed with being on time. I can’t stand being early because I can’t occupy myself. The feeling of standing around waiting makes me nervous, makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, makes me feel like I don’t belong in the place that I am, and I feel like every person present is watching what I’m doing. I can’t stand being late because I feel as if I’ve let every person present down, I’ve inconvenienced people, I’ve made a bad impression. Most of it is a self-image problem. I am extremely aware of how I present myself in the world, and I can’t stand feeling like I am not presenting a well put together image of myself. My punctuality is -in my mind - a direct reflection of that image. I put each clock that I look at a few minutes ahead, just to ensure that I don’t run late, and that I am early enough that I can take my time and not have to rush around trying to be on time. I ensure that each of those clocks are synched within a minute of each other daily as well.

My hands. I have a huge compulsion with the cleanliness of my hands. According to my mother, it started when I was a baby -when I would eat, I would have my hands wiped after each bite, I wouldn’t take another bite until my hands were clean. Playing in the dirt? My hands always were spotless. I wash my hands after waking up, before touching my toothbrush, before shaving, before getting into the shower, after getting out of the shower, before washing my face, after washing my face, after getting dressed, after doing my hair, before grabbing my keys, before I leave the house, I wash them when on break at work, before i come back from break, when I get home from work, before I eat, after I eat, after touching my cat, before going to bed. There are too many times to list or even consciously recall. My hands have to be clean.

Twisting caps. When twisting any kind of cap, I have to twist it a minimum of three times, maximum 5 times. What counts as a twist? When you release the cap and grasp it again to continue turning it. If I screw up, I tighten it or take it off and try again. Needless to say, after I finally open my Snapple, it does not get re-capped.

Multiples of 5. I have to have my alarm go off at a time where the minutes are a multiple of 5. I have to leave the house at a time where the minutes are a multiple of 5. If I miss that multiple of 5, I have to wait until the next one comes. Bus schedules were very difficult for me.

People. I’m not sure if this counts as an actual obsessive compulsion but… If I have someone on my mind, any one of my friends, family members, work, anyone with access to an indirect means to contact me (phone, facebook, etc) I constantly check to see if I have heard from them. I will check my phone, anticipating a text or missed call, a voicemail, a facebook message -anything. I will do this repeatedly until I finally do hear from them, and then I can relax until the next time I’m worried about them. Boyfriends, best friends, friends in general, clients, parents, work, usually it’s people I’ve seen recently or miss a great deal. Rarely ever do I go and make the initial contact so this drives me crazy until I get word from them, and they have no idea about it.

Those are the only things I can think of at the moment. I’m sure there are more things that I could always add.

I've had this up for a while, but I haven't posted about it here yet. I have set up an online portfolio for my photos. Here's the link. I've been considering getting a new deviantArt account, I hate the username and domain that I have now. I've had that account for years. We'll see what happens with that.

I just finished watching a few episodes of Dead Like Me. Each times I watch that show, the wheels in my head start grinding away.












I push people away fro- no. I don't push people away from me. I don't get myself involved with people. I sit on the sidelines and watch. Somehow I got this idea into my head that life is a spectator sport. I don't know why I do it. I don't really know how to stop. I'm the kind of person you have to approach, or you won't know me at all. I'm the person you have to push into the lake if I'm going to swim.

I don't ask questions because I'm afraid of answers.

I want to go camping in a tent and let my phone die. I want to be completely disconnected again.


Mostly,


I just want to see the stars.

I enjoy how when I am angry with my family, they know not to speak to me.

Let's get rid of the worst:
Stage:
I just leave the bathroom after a cold shower before bed. My mother is standing at the end of the hall leaning against the wall.
Dialogue:
Mom: Finally.
Me: What?
Mom: Some of us would like to use the bathroom so we can go to bed.
Me: Oh, so sorry to delay you for the 10 minutes I was in there while you were outside smoking for 5.
Mom: You know, since you've gotten that license you've been nothing but an ass.
Me: I haven't even been home to be an ass, and I didn't even do anything wrong so what the fuck?
Enter, Dad
Dad: You don't seem to do anything right either
More words are exchanged
Me: Sorry for being such a godawful son. I'm such a waste of sperm, dad you should've waited for the next batch.

End scene

Honestly, what was said to me hurt, a lot. I'm glad to know I'm the biggest fuck-up of my parent's lives, that no matter what I do, it's not good enough. The worst part is that it's not even me just thinking that, it's the fact that they say it and it's true. My parents see me as a total and complete failure.

Enough about that


--


Things have been very good between Adam and I. We're not sick of each other, we can make jokes about each other. He wants a relationship with me as badly as I want a relationship with him, and we're making it work. I can't wait for our first fight. I almost let the L word slip out a few times today. I stopped myself, and in retrospect I'm glad I did. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Yes, I like him a lot, no, I don't love him yet. I will, in time.

I got my license! I know some of you are saying, "Finally!" and so am I. Being able to drive on my own is such a liberating feeling. I feel so much more independent and more my age. As much as I hate having to pay for gas, I don't miss the bus.

I tend to blog once a month now. I don't know how to feel about this. Part of me is saying, "You have nothing to write about". Another part of me is saying, "You have to write about this". I keep saying I'll try, and I don't follow through. I don't like that.

It's my birthday today! I am now 19 and I don't feel any older really. Everyone says that I guess; the only thing I can say is wow, I've matured since my last birthday!

I have tried posting a blog for three days now and for some reason I keep getting a 404 error when I try to post. Tonight had better be different, it's my birthday for god's sake!

Father's Day was a good day. I went to Moxie's with the family, and stayed and met with Nicole. It was so refreshing seeing her. *Side note: She looked really good that day* We talked and talked in Moxie's and then we left. Nicole decided it was one of those nights where we get completely self-destructive so she pulled onto a side road with some nice trees, we pulled the seats of her Escape back, and we bitched and cried and tried to figure our problems out. I love when we do that, as strange as it may be. Picking away at every emotion that we've tucked under the surface is therapeutic, we're psych's for each other. I can't open up to anyone like I do with Nicole, I am so glad I can trust her with everything.

She brought me back to a memory with a certain individual and I felt something I didn't want to feel for a long time. I didn't think that I would be reminded of how happy I was with that person. Then I was reminded of how crippled I was. How can a person get on having these feelings, all of them just compiling. We may forget them, but they're still there.

I went on a date last night. I met Adam at work, and he took me to the fanciest goddamn restaurant ever. We had $20 pasta, and a bottle of wine, which was fantastic, but just how much thought he put into the whole evening was absolutely stellar. It's so nice being on the receiving end of that for once! He called everywhere to see what would be open late so we could go for desert, but everything was closed. I politely refused to have desert at the restaurant because he'd already spent enough money on me. We walked to the legislative grounds and talked and kissed and oh god it was wonderful. He's so romantic and sweet and thoughtful, he's smart, cute, and he is so genuine. I can't wait to see where this goes, but I'm going slow. I'm trying not to make the same mistakes I did before but I'm still trying to take risks. He's such a sweetheart though, he's not going to make this easy. He's coming to my birthday as well, which I'm stoked for. I can finally dance with him again between drinks with my friends!


Even though Adam will be attending my birthday, I'm going to try and remember that my friends will be there as well and I can't simply ignore them because of a love interest. I don't want to be that person.

Work is turning into a gongshow. Larissa quit on short notice, which isn't that big of a deal, we can get more hours covering what were her shifts. I don't know why exactly she quit, nor is it my business, but I hope everything is alright with her. As much as I admire her professionally, she's also a friend. "S", as she will be referred to, is a whole other story. She's been asking ridiculous questions and conniving, trying to manipulate us and the company to suit her needs. I know her background and how she's a backstabber and a liar, but two can play at her game. As it stands, I'm sort of an inside man, S sees me as a person to confide in, but my loyalties lie with my superiors. We're cutting her hours, writing her up, and trying as hard as we can to catch her whenever she slips up so we have a legitimate reason to fire her. Unfortunately with no Manager and the assistant leaving on vacation for two weeks, if we need to fire her soon, I might have to be the one to do it. Ugh.

There was more I wanted to write, but now I don't remember what there was, so I'll leave it at this.
I'll try to blog more often, I'm sure I left a lot out.